I was standing in the Amazon aisle the other night.
Not physically, of course. But spiritually? I was there.
Clutching imaginary pearls.
Squinting at my screen.
Whispering to myself:
“What in the actual Candyland happened?”
All I wanted was a simple game for my granddaughter. She’s 2½.
You know… something colorful. Innocent. Maybe teaches taking turns or counting or not losing your mind when your sibling wins.
I was thinking Candyland.
Don’t Break the Ice.
Chutes and Ladders.
Hi Ho Cherry-O.
You know. Games where the worst thing that could happen was your gingerbread man getting stuck in molasses.
Instead, Amazon said, “Oh, you want a children’s game? Hold my juice box.”
Welcome to the New Toy Industry
The very first game I see?
Don’t Step In It.
You take your shoes and socks off.
Put on a blindfold.
And walk around the room trying not to step in little piles of brown clay scattered across the floor.
I stared at that description longer than I should have.
Re-read it.
Out loud.
Nope. That’s exactly what it is.
Scrolling…
Fill Your Pants.
You put on a giant pair of underwear and shove random objects down your pants.
Scrolling…
The Toilet Game.
Where you flip little piles of poop into a toilet.
Scrolling…
Gassy Gus.
You feed Gus gassy foods and wait for the big blast of gas.
Scrolling…
Old MacDonald’s Farm Go Poop.
A stinky twist on the classic Go Fish card game.
You collect sets of animals… and their poop.
Old MacDonald had a farm… E-I-E-I-ew.
Because apparently, at some point, someone looked at Go Fish and thought,
“You know what this needs? Manure.”
Scrolling…
Shoot The Poop – The Original Talking Toilet Game for Kids & Families.
A talking toilet.
That encourages you to… shoot poop.
Somewhere, a Candyland card is quietly weeping.
And just when you think it can’t possibly get more absurd…
The Farting Poop Plush Toy.
A soft, cuddly pile of poop that plays over 30 realistic fart sounds with a gentle squeeze.
Thirty.
Realistic.
Farts.
Because what kid wouldn’t want to snuggle up at bedtime with a plush pile of poop that audibly passes gas?
Somewhere, a teddy bear is filing a formal complaint.
When Did Childhood Get So… Gross?
Listen, I’m not a prude.
I raised kids. I worked in an ER. I have seen things.
But I can’t help wondering…
when did kids’ games stop being sweet and start being scatological?
Candyland didn’t need shock value.
Don’t Break the Ice didn’t need sound effects.
Chutes and Ladders didn’t talk back or explode or ooze anything.
Those games were simple.
Gentle.
Colorful.
They taught patience, turn-taking, winning, losing, and sometimes… disappointment when your cherry fell out of the bucket.
And we loved them.
Maybe I’m Old-Fashioned…
Maybe this is one of those moments where age taps you on the shoulder and says, “Yep. This one’s yours.”
Or maybe it’s okay to ask why everything needs to be louder, grosser, and more shocking to be entertaining.
Maybe some things don’t need an upgrade.
Because somewhere between Candyland and Shoot the Poop, something shifted.
And I’m not sure it shifted in the right direction.
Maybe it’s just perspective...
Maybe it’s just too many years as a nurse.
Because from that perspective, a big pile of poop wasn’t funny.
It was a Code Brown.
Gloves on. Deep sigh. All hands on deck.
And nobody—absolutely nobody—ever said,
“This is fun… maybe we can make it a game.”
Your Turn
Am I the only one noticing this?
What games did you grow up playing?
And seriously…
Is it just me… or is everything poop now?
